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Support systems can mean so many different things. Emotional support: providing a shoulder when someone close to you is hurting. Cheerleading support: spurring someone on to achieving goals. Monetary support: allowing someone to concentrate on other things by providing for their home and board. Group support: providing understanding and ideas for overcoming the effects of divorce, alcoholism, abuse, overeating, etc.
All of these systems are meant to be temporary.
In time our friend grows stronger and doesn’t need to cry on our shoulder so much. Grief, disease, separation, all the emotional spill-over works itself out eventually. The right time to straighten up, wash your face and go back “out there” does arrive. The supporting person can wring out their shoulder pads, put away the ice cream and wine, smile and go on with their own lives.
Eventually your children or spouse finishes their project/school and can fend for themselves without monetary support from us. The kids move out. The spouse in school attains their goal, be it a degree or finishing classes to further their careers and can get that better paying job or realizing a lifetime dream. The college age kid who came home because he couldn’t find a job right after getting his degree will, hopefully, find the wherewithal to move out on his own again, warp speed!
Cheerleading is usually for the duration of the “game”; spurring someone on to achieve their ultimate amibition, which is often a huge deal to that person, even if you don't quite understand it. That can mean bolstering a flagging ego, or standing by their side at yet another boring (to you) function, or taking care of things by yourself, or closing the door so they can work in relative silence, or sometimes it is as simple as not saying a word and listening to some ranting. Once the goal is achieved, however the active cheerleading must stop, and roles go back to at least a semblance of the way they were before the task was undertaken. Active cheerleading is very tiring if done for too long, because it often means that the supporting partner is sidelining their own needs for another’s benefit.
Most group support systems also have a “graduation”, even if it is years away, when strength and time have allowed the person make a certain level of peace with what has happened to them and have gained the strength and tools to make it on their own. Spend too much time in most of them (excepting AA and a few others) and people start to think that you are whining… time to move on!
A person may be in need of all kinds of different support systems throughout their lives, sometimes needing several different types at all at once. Monetary plus Cheerleader (kids in college), Emotional plus Group (going through a divorce or other grief), Monetary plus Emotional plus Cheerleader (helping a spouse adjust to being laid off) or any other conceivable combination.
But the specific situations are all different and all do sooner or later expire. If they don’t eventually the people providing that support will become less supportive and positive and will feel like they are being taken advantage of, leading to resentment, impatience and a final cut off of unconditional support. Full stop!
So, first support, then weaning and finally, graduation.
There is one kind of support that never expires, however. Marriage is one big daily support system that never goes away. While you may be able to break down some of the major instances into expiration-date type periods, in general marriage requires daily support and help of each other. Some people might call it is Partnership in Action, which is pretty much what it is, but it is also much more than that alone.
It is taking care of the little things for each other every single day. The smile and kiss you have for each other when you come home from work. Running your fingers through his hair at the end of the day. Remembering to bring home that gallon of milk she called about. An activity – it doesn’t matter what it is – that allows you to share an experience. Saying “Thank you”… a lot. Allowing each other some space. Watching him sleep. Bringing her flowers just because. Texting I <3 U during the day. Remembering birthdays and most anniversaries. A random big hug and twirl around because you feel like it. Keeping silent when we know that our angry words will hurt. Making her favorite dinner. Keeping him from putting on his motorcycle gloves before he puts on his helmet, again, every single morning.
These little everyday things are supporting your marriage, keeping it strong, healthy and ready to weather the storms that life just carelessly throws at us like so much flotsam. Our daily caring makes us stronger, so we can stand side by side against the giant sucking wormhole in space, make Captain Kirk-like jokes, hold hands and walk boldly into the maelstrom, knowing that whatever happens, we will live to make jokes about it... we will make it through to the other side.
Just Musing,
Susan
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